Homeward
by AML15
Summary: An alternative look at Castle & Beckett starting a family. An adoption story. Slightly AU/Future fic.
1. Chapter 1

_Afraid to love something that could break _  
_Could I move on if you were torn away? _  
_I'm so close to what I can't control _  
_I can't give you half my heart and pray it makes you whole _

_You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me, _  
_'Cause you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing every fear _  
_You're gonna know all my love even if it's not enough _  
_Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start. _

_-All of Me by Matt Hammitt_

* * *

Chapter One

Kate Beckett was completely and utterly still, her breath suspended in the fleeting moment of panic. Her back ached from sitting against the hard press of the wall and all she wanted to do was move, to stand and stretch and retreat to her own bed, but…

Sitting on the floor in this dark room, swathed in the faint moonlight that filtered in through the window, a child was asleep in her lap. She couldn't muster the willpower to rise and place the boy back in his bed.

Kate couldn't remember exactly how they ended up like this, the five-year-old laying sideways in her lap with his head pillowed against her chest, but it was finally quiet. The past few hours have become a blur of shouts and tears, but if she played it right in the next few minutes, if she figured out a way to get him in bed without waking, the long night could be over and she could finally sleep.

She drew a shaky breath and freed one hand to wipe away the last remains of tears from his face.

She was a mom.

She was a mom to this boy, this little creature who had rooted himself deep in her heart without trying. His face was slack with sleep, nestled under silky, dark hair, and he looked almost cherubic in his current state of innocence. The flash of terror in his brown eyes, the ever-present pout of his lower lip, all of that visible distress was gone while he slept. For now, he was still and trusting, a sharp contrast from just hours ago with him.

Matthew was his name and Kate could count on one hand the number of things she knew about him.

She startled at the movement in the corner of her eye. Castle's hand reached out and gently brushed over Matthew's hair. He'd been so silent next to her, but his presence had been breathing down her neck, making every choice she made feel magnified with him there, the only experienced parent in the room. She'd never felt so unequal with him before.

"Should we move him?" He whispered.

She bristled at the question, taking it to mean he would have done it already, if it were him. She just didn't want Matthew to wake up, for those chocolaty eyes to snap open and find hers. If that happened, She'd once again be forced the see the hopelessness in the boy's gaze that had been drowning her all day.

"Not yet." She answered back. "I want to make sure he's really asleep."

Next to her, Castle sighed and shifted around uncomfortably. "My butt hurts."

"You can go." She said without thinking and it came out harsher than she meant. His head whipped around to look at her, a bruised expression on his features. "No, I'm sorry, I'm not saying – I just meant we don't both need to be sitting here. If you want to take a break, I get it."

She forced her gaze away from her wounded husband, feeling every bit as inadequate of a partner as she did as a mom right now.

"Kate," His voice was gentler than she felt she deserved and it beckoned her back to him. His mouth lifted into a smile when he had her attention once more. "Where else am I going to go?"

She felt her own smile starting to build in response. They were really doing this. Starting a family. And she never thought it would happen this fast, even with forgoing infant adoption in favor of foster-adopting. A part of her had feared they wouldn't even get approved, with her high-risk occupation and his fame. On paper, it didn't sound like a stable environment to bring a child into. And yet, here they were.

She dropped her head back against the wall with a slight _thud_. "What if he wakes up?"

Castle shrugged, his eyes dropping to the boy in question and she was momentarily blindsided with the whirlwind of emotions that swept across his face. He was feeling it, too, whatever crazy rush this was that she'd been trying to navigate since they walked into their home with Matthew today. "Then he wakes up." Castle said simply.

She huffed a sigh. They'd been at this one day and they were already so out-of-sync with each other. She'd worked hard to get this child asleep and she was not going to risk waking him up again.

Her eyes roamed the bedroom most recently deemed Matthew's, taking in the dresser that still needed to be stocked, the bookcase with more than half empty shelves, a stray box or two of things Alexis had brought that still needed to be unpacked, and the open, slightly bare closet. It was Martha's old room and the conversion would surely shock both her and Alexis when they saw it, especially since it still felt so unfinished, missing the personal touches and ownership of the boy himself. No wonder Matthew didn't like it in here.

Castle slid even closer towards her, letting his head drop onto hers. And despite the fact that she was terrified and frustrated, she couldn't stay mad at him when he was tucked next to her, warm and safe and breathing.

She felt the edges of her irritation towards Castle softening. Between the two of them, they'd faced enough hardships, hadn't they? Despite all the obstacles, Castle had stuck by her and she by him, and now there was this. They had so much to look forward to.

His phone buzzed from a pocket somewhere between them, making both jump.

"Sorry, sorry." He muttered, frantically digging into his jeans for the damn device. She relaxed back against him and hoped Matthew couldn't feel her heart hammering against her ribcage as strongly as she could. She inhaled slowly, deeply, and tried to calm her racing heart. With it came a thought that if Matthew hadn't woken yet, it probably was safe to move him. If she wanted to.

"Everything ok?" She whispered to Castle when he dropped his phone unceremoniously into his lap after tapping out a text.

"It was Alexis." He whispered heavily. Her gaze swung to his, inquiring. "I told her to wait until next week. That'll give us a few days to settle in, get used to each other."

"Thank you." She murmured. She knew it wasn't what he wanted, keeping Alexis and the others at bay, but this was so new and fragile, this thing they were building with Matthew. The thought of bringing their overwhelmingly contradictive family members into the mix right off the bat made Kate cringe. No, it was better this way. She just wished Castle could see it, too.

"She's excited." He added and it felt like a dig at her. "She can't wait to meet Matthew."

Kate smiled tentatively at this. "I'm glad, Castle. Really." She stretched her legs out as best she could and stifled a groan. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the tell-tale hesitation in his expression, in the way his body tensed and she knew he was physically restraining himself from telling her to put Matthew back in his bed already. It was all so absurd. She should do it, if for no other reason than for her back. There was no way she could stay like this all night and now Kate was starting to lose feeling in her legs. Matthew needed to go back in his bed so all of them could sleep.

She gently pressed a kiss to Matthew's head, inhaling the lingering scent of his shampoo, and willed him not to wake up as she began the slow process of rising to her feet with the weight of Matthew in her arms. He wasn't a big child for his age so she had that working in her favor. Her body creaked and popped and she struggled not to groan in relief from moving again, even though the pins and needles sensation shot down her legs. She settled him on the mattress and pulled the crisp, new covers over him – They were camouflage print and she didn't have any idea if he even was in to that sort of thing, little plastic army men and little toy tanks, but it had been a hasty purchase born out of the fear-induced mania to buy anything and everything this child could possibly need. Matthew hadn't said anything about them, one way or another. He hadn't said much of anything at all.

She tucked the covers gently around him, then smoothed out the wrinkles. Her eyes found his face and she had the sudden instinct to brush his hair back and kiss his cheek and whisper a few comforting words to him, the same way her mother used to when Kate was a girl. It hit her in the gut then, not for the first time today, how much she wanted her mom here for this. It was almost paralyzing in its intensity, bogging her down all day – every doubt that arose, every scary thought that plagued her mind, every little thing that just made Kate feel like a parent today simultaneously had her pining for Johanna like a small child.

Castle's fingers knotted through hers and pulled her back to the moment. She let him lead her out of the room and down the stairs to their own where they collapsed onto the bed

But sleep was not easily won for Kate.

They'd all be here next week.

Jim. Martha. Alexis.

Matthew.

Her brain ached just trying to picture it, trying to see these colorful characters getting together and getting along.

It wasn't that anyone hated each other. It was never that.

Their parents may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but they'd mended things and started over for their children's sakes. They'd even formed some semblance of a friendship, but there was still so much to disagree about between those two.

And Alexis didn't hate Kate, but there was an undercurrent of… distaste? Mistrust? Kate had never been able to peg it. But she knew. Something was off ever since Kate's place in their lives had become more permanent.

And what would happen when they all gathered here to welcome Matthew, who had so far been nothing like the boy they met weeks ago?

"Turn your mind off, Kate." Castle suddenly grumbled, startling his wife out of her thoughts. He'd been so still, she thought he'd already fallen asleep.

"Can't." She muttered back, but she rolled her body into his, seeking his solid warmth.

"Hey," He said brightly, arms tugging her even closer. "You have four weeks of adoption leave and I'm stepping back from any writing projects for the time being. Between the two of us, when are we ever going to have this much time away from professional obligations?"

"What's your point?" She groaned tiredly.

He chuckled and leaned in to kiss the crown of her head. "Sleep now, Kate. Because we're not going to want to waste a moment of the days ahead."

She sighed contently against him and tried to sleep.

But then she heard a voice calling from upstairs and it struck her all over again.

She was a mom.

* * *

**Thoughts?**

**Follow me on tumblr: skepticus-maximus-me**


	2. Chapter 2

**I am overwhelmed by the response to this story. THANK YOU SO MUCH! :)**

* * *

Chapter Two

"'scuse me? Wake up. Hey, wake up, please."

The words were gentle and hesitant, but the hand that grasped Castle's shoulder shook him forcefully. He jolted awake, panicked, and his eyes fell on the child standing at the side of the bed.

Matthew.

Right.

"What's wrong?" Castle bolted upright.

Matthew's face flamed, eyes fell to the floor. "The bed is wet."

"The…?" Oh.

"I'm sorry."

"No, no, no, don't apologize." He started to draw the boy in and noticed Matthew was wet, too. Obviously. "Let's, uh, let's get a bath started, little man."

Matthew nodded.

Castle threw a glance over his shoulder and saw Kate hadn't moved. "Quietly, ok?" He whispered conspiratorially to the boy, grinning a little, but Matthew was stone-faced.

Somewhere between starting the bath water and stripping the bed of its soiled sheets, Castle felt the weight of the morning hit him. This was his life now, starting all over again with bed-wetting and bath toys and sacrificed sleep. And it hadn't even been 24 hours. Even if Matthew was - understandably - withdrawn and aloof, at least there was this. Proof that they were parents, doing typical parent things.

They were adopting this boy, he and Kate. That fact alone was enough to make his head spin.

He never expected their journey into parenthood to go this way. Instead, he had dreamt far too often of Kate with a protruding belly and a radiant smile, her whole being emanating with this infectious, immeasurable joy. He'd written that chapter a million times in his head and always, always, it was perfect. The vivid chapters on practicing conception and succeeding were also favorites of his, coupled with what always came next; that lightning shock of love when the baby was born and placed on Kate's chest and they would both be so absorbed in the perfect little soul they'd made. Those were the moments he had longed for with such a debilitating ache.

"Rick?"

He startled, eyes flying to the doorway where Kate now stood, pajama-clad and hair unkempt from sleep. Her eyebrows quirked at him. "Whatcha doing?" The teasing lilt in her voice did strange things to his heart.

He'd been staring at the army-print pillow case in his hands, thumbs tracing idle circles on the fabric while his mind had been off and away, but now he gazed at his wife with a puzzling expression on his face. "There's a child in our home, Kate."

Her breath snagged a little at his words.

"…And he doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, barely talks, and this morning he wet his bed and we don't have another set of sheets for his mattress."

He recognized something flash across her eyes. Doubt, maybe. Or disappointment.

And he laughed.

"Why is that funny?" Her brows furrowed, but the slightest crack of a smile worked its way across her face.

"Because…" He stared up at the ceiling, letting out a laughing, exasperating sigh. "Because we found out only a few days ago that he was coming to stay for good and we are clearly not prepared. And not just in terms of the stuff we have. I mean, everything."

"So it's not just me?" She'd meant for it to be a light-hearted admission, another thing to laugh about as they fumbled through this new adventure, but her uncertainty seeped through and Castle sobered up quick.

"It's not just you, Kate." He said tenderly.

She breathed in deeply. "Good."

"Rick?" A little voice bellowed from the bathroom.

Castle's face lit up and it was impossible for Kate to think straight when he looked that ecstatic. "We have a child in our home." He said again.

She smiled at his wonderment. "Go get him."

He skirted past her, down the short stretch of the hallway to the bathroom where Matthew was making quite a few puddles.

This wasn't at all how Castle had dreamt it a million and one times. There had been no intimate game of conception. No nine months of building excitement and fear. No strenuous labor or moment of bliss after the baby was born and all they could absorb themselves in were the tiny pink fingers and the tiny red face.

Instead, there had been paperwork. And months of uncertainty and doubt and times where it felt like their world was being invaded. Evaluated. Judged.

And then, rather suddenly, there was Matthew.

Castle dragged a towel across the bathroom floor with his foot, soaking up some of the bath water. "What's up, little man?"

"I'm ready to get out." He informed Castle, sliding from one side of the tub to the other, creating waves that spilled over the edge of the porcelain wall.

"Alright." Castle grabbed a dry towel from the rack, dangled it out to Matthew. "Come on, before you flood the whole bathroom."

"How could I do that?" Matthew questioned, stepping out of the tub and getting wrapped up instantly. "I'd need a whole lot more water."

"Just teasing you, Buddy. Please don't actually try." Castle padded his shoulders and steered Matthew out of the bathroom. "Watch your step." He felt a stirring in his gut, a buoyancy he didn't want to acknowledge, because since the moment Matthew had forced him out of sleep, the boy had been… _better_… than last night. Talking a little more, for one thing.

But just as soon as Castle gave weight to the hope, it sunk beneath the pressure. Slowly throughout the morning, Matthew slipped seamlessly into the role of awkward house-guest. Every word out of the child's mouth was framed by an unattached friendliness, a stilted politeness. Surprising for Matthew's age.

But it constantly reminded Castle of the situation they were in.

Matthew was a stranger.

A child they had every intention of keeping, but a stranger nonetheless.

And worse, to this anxious little boy, Castle and Kate were foreigners who'd swept him up in a tidal wave of change and now called the shots in his life.

* * *

He stayed a few strides behind them not solely because it was difficult to walk shoulder-to-shoulder-to-shoulder on this bustling city sidewalk, but also for the view this allowed him. Kate had a protective hold of Matthew's little hand, guiding him through the crowds, guarding him from bikers and impatient taxis as they crossed intersections, and every few steps or so, Castle witnessed something of promise: Matthew looking up at Kate with a warmth in those dark eyes of his, an almost palpable adoration in his gaze for the strong and kind woman who's taking such good care of him. Castle wanted to capture that look, to store it forever in his mind's eye as clear as he sees it now. It was trust in its simplest form and it was the first time he saw it on Matthew's face.

Kate glanced back over her shoulder, giving Castle that rare, hesitant smile – the one he secretly loved for its vulnerability. He grinned back and, as much as he loved that smile of hers, he wanting to stop her right there on the street for it. She had to see it, didn't she? The look on Matthew's face, aimed right at Kate. It was the first concrete evidence Castle had seen from Matthew that suggested maybe the boy did want to be here. Maybe this wasn't as one-sided as it felt. So there was no reason for such a delicate, doubting smile, as breathtaking as it was.

But he didn't reassure her. Sudden apprehension swirled in his chest, instead, and kept the words bottled up. There was no guarantee, after all. It could all be in his head, making him see what he wanted.

"Almost there." Kate said to Matthew, eyes lingering on him for a beat, a tenderness in her voice. In an effort to avoid a repeat of last night's dinner debacle, Kate had asked Matthew to pick a food for lunch. He'd immediately said 'skabetti' and Kate decided they would go out for Italian, out to the cozy little restaurant near the loft with checkered table cloths and kids menus that could be colored on and a fettuccini alfredo dish that rivaled some of the swankier Italian spots in the city. And just maybe, Matthew would eat a full meal.

The city sweltered in the mid-afternoon summer heat, but stepping inside Francesca's gave the three of them an instant relief from it.

"Table for Tw – Three." Kate said to the hostess, giving Matthew's hand a little squeeze. Three now. "Actually, could we get a booth?" Kate asked, checking her phone for the time.

"Absolutely."

They followed behind the hostess, weaving through the open room to a booth in near back. Once seated, Matthew snatched at the crayons and his special menu. "They have skabetti?" He checked, glancing at the cartoony pictures next to each item.

"They do. See?" Castle reached across the table to point out the words Matthew couldn't read just yet. "Right there, it says 'spaghetti with meatballs'."

Matthew hummed happily, his feet thumping against his side of the booth seat. Castle didn't miss the wide-swept relief on his wife's face and he was sure his own expression mirrored hers. Ah, the feeling of finding something a picky eater would eat.

"Is there room for one more?"

Castle's head snapped up at the familiar voice, mind reeling. "Alexis?" His whole face lit with a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "What are you doing here?"

His daughter's gaze switched to Kate, silently questioning.

"I called her earlier. Told her to come." Kate admitted, but wouldn't let the words settle and instead, immediately made introductions between Alexis and Matthew.

"Is it ok if I sit here?" Alexis smiled, gesturing to the only vacant spot in the booth, next to Matthew. Castle held his breath. The boy stared up at the red-head, a little mystified, before nodding and scooting closer to the wall.

Then Castle and Kate watched with wonder as Matthew opened up to Alexis, sliding his menu to the center and sharing a crayon with her.

"You invited Alexis…?" Castle finally turned to Kate, awe-struck. She'd been so adamant before.

Kate gave a small shrug, yesterday's regret filling her gaze. "She's your daughter, Castle. She should be here. The others can wait, but you were right. Alexis deserves to be with us as we settle in with Matthew."

He leaned in and kissed her, gratitude and reverence mingled in the somewhat chaste lip-lock. He felt the vice around his heart crumble away, nothing in its place but a delirious weightlessness. Ever since they'd heard Matthew was coming, He'd felt himself pulled in two directions, torn between his love for both stubborn women in his life. But if they could simply learn to blend together…

Castle gripped Kate's hand under the table, gave a reassuring squeeze for good measure. It was true he never would have chosen this path for them, but that was the beauty of Kate. She always changed him, challenged him, and drove him to near madness. Somewhere along the way, she'd laid bare a desire she'd never told anyone before. He loved her all the more for the admission, for showing him that marriage didn't mean all the mystery was gone. There was still so much depth to Kate, he honestly didn't think it would ever end, that he'd ever really know every single thing about her. And he loved that. It meant he could keep digging and peeling and scraping, exposing the true pieces of her heart so he could love her even fuller. Yes, he'd thought they'd start their family a different way and yes, it had been Kate's idea to adopt at the start, but looking across the booth at Alexis and Matthew's tentatively forming friendship, it reaffirmed in him that this was exactly what he wanted with Kate; a family whose love ran deeper through them than the blood in their veins.

* * *

**Thoughts?**

**Tumblr: skepticus-maximus-me**


	3. Chapter 3

**Once again, I am just floored! Thank you so much to everyone reading this and giving feedback! I've really appreciated those of you who have shared about your own experience with adoption. And to the anon reviewers who I couldn't personally express gratitude to: THANK YOU! :) **

* * *

Chapter Three

Matthew hated her father.

For the past two weeks, Kate had watched the new dynamics of her family unfold. Matthew got along well enough with Martha, though something about the woman's histrionics was comically frightening to the boy. And he adored Alexis, that much Kate could say with confidence.

But Jim? Matthew barely went near him. And with Jim Beckett being naturally more subdued in temperament than the Castle side of the family, he and Matthew barely exchanged a few words at each new encounter with each other.

It tore Kate apart every time she caught her father watching Matthew with that ill-masked pain in his gaze.

Her father loved her. So much. He wanted to love Matthew, too.

She gnawed on her lower lip, her mind drifting back to when she'd told her father their home-study had been approved. It had been a big step for them and once the weight of that was off their shoulders, she and Castle felt like they could actually tell more people about it. Her dad had already been aware that they were adopting, but he took the news joyously. He'd grinned at her, that slow, warming grin that always oozed with pride for her. "That's wonderful, Katie." He'd said, like he'd never doubted it would go just that way.

She blinked away the memory, focusing on finishing up dinner. Her father had never doubted. And now he was rewarded with silence from Matthew. That hurt Kate more than the few times Matthew had distanced himself from her. She expected it. She expected to have to fight her way through this with Matthew to earn his trust, but she never thought for a moment he wouldn't take to the gentle soul of her father.

A blur of red hair danced into the kitchen and before she could argue, Kate found herself with an assistant. "Kate, darling, let me help." Martha insisted, topping off her wine glass and jumping into the next step that Kate had been about to tackle.

"It's fine if you'd rather -"

Martha waved a hand, cutting Kate short. "One can only watch Matthew and Alexis play with remote control toys for so long before it loses its appeal."

Kate gave a curt nod and a smile, handed the chopping knife over to her mother-in-law to let her dice the red peppers.

The sharp exclamations drew Kate's gaze back to the living back, back to the three 'kids' enacting World War III with tanks and planes and even one helicopter that hovered ineffectually above the battlefield. It wouldn't last long, though. Not with the way Matthew was finding it increasingly amusing to toss small objects up at the helicopter's rotating blades. This time it was a Mega Blok and he roared with laughter as the plastic toy deflected sharply in another direction and the remote helicopter suddenly dipped midair from the encounter, Rick having to snatch an arm out to catch it just in case. Alexis, bless her heart, pulled Matthew into her lap and handed him the controls to the tank so he'd play with that instead. Warmth spread through Kate's chest, seeing the three of them like that. Like they'd known Matthew all their lives and this was the most natural thing in the world, playing with him.

But from his spot on the couch, Jim observed the game silently and Kate was so caught up in that painful little detail that she nearly missed Martha unintentionally sabotaging dinner.

"Oh, no, no! Not so many peppers!" She lunged forward, stopped Martha midway from sliding the entirety of diced peppers from the cutting board into the pan. "Matthew won't eat it if there are too many."

"You won't fix his eating problem by catering to his every want." Martha said bluntly, but with a smile and wink to make her words go down smoothly.

"It's not really a _problem_." Kate nitpicked. "Lots of kids are picky eaters. That's normal."

"Well, I made Richard eat whatever I set in front of him and he learned pretty fast to eat it or he wouldn't eat at all." Martha said grandly.

Kate inhaled sharply, ready to retort, but did she really want to do this? Start a fight with her mother-in-law just before they all sat down to eat? No, she could handle Martha, just for a few more hours. "Matthew will eat it as long as he doesn't feel like there are too many peppers." Kate reiterated. It wasn't up for discussion. And Martha was never one to let a little confrontation sink her spirits. She carried on, a delightful spring in her step, wine glass in her hand. Hmm. Maybe the wine had a little something to do with it, too.

Castle crept into the kitchen and slipped in behind Kate, strong arms pulling her back into the wall of him. He either had excellent timing or he'd been watching them. Regardless, Kate sank into him. "Alexis was wondering we could take Matthew to that comic store near union square after dinner."

"Comicadia?" She grinned at the memory, let the feel of him and the flood of remembrance work away the annoyance that had started to fester under her skin. They hadn't been back to Comicadia since they worked that Lone Vengeance case a few years ago.

"I'll take that as a yes." He murmured, seeing the nostalgia in her eyes. He pressed his lips to her temple. Maybe this could be their thing with Matthew. Buying him his first comic book, taking him back so he could get even more. Matthew was already fond of Batman cartoons and his Spiderman action figure. It had potential, this little dream of his.

"That sounds perfect." Kate agreed. Time outside the loft would be good for all of them.

* * *

They rode the subway to union square, going the next few blocks on foot. It wasn't far and the summer breeze kept the heat of the evening from feeling uncomfortable. Castle led the pack, Matthew and Alexis a fraction of a step behind him. Kate and Jim kept a keen watch from the back while Martha stationed herself in the middle where she could interact to everyone.

"She's good with him." Jim commented softly for Kate's ears only. Ahead of them, Alexis reminded Matthew to stay close.

"They're good for each other." Kate agreed. "I wasn't sure. With Alexis." She admitted, a subtle flush filling her cheeks. In retrospect, it seemed silly now that she ever doubted. But she didn't know how it would go with Alexis, if the age gap would make her out to be more of an uninvolved adult in his life. If her distant attitude with Kate would transfer over to Matthew.

She glanced over to see how her father had taken the words, but he just smiled, gave the slightest shrug. She must have been the only who hadn't seen it right away, how much this meant to Alexis, not just her and Rick.

Her father nudged his elbow against her, his subtle reminder not to get too caught up in her thoughts. Not now, at least. Not while there was so much to take in and enjoy.

"You're good with him, too, Katie. So good. I love watching you with Matthew." He said proudly.

Kate heaved a sigh at the word 'watching'. "But Dad, you don't feel... On the outside of this family, do you?"

He reached out and tugged an arm across her shoulders, bringing her in close so they walked in step with each other. "No, Katie, I don't."

But even as he assured, a part of Kate wondered if he was simply placating. Telling her what she wanted to hear so she wouldn't worry.

Well, no matter. Because even if he did mean it, she wouldn't stop working to include him. They had Matthew in their lives now and she wanted to give him everything, give him the best their family could offer. A mother, a father, a sister, and grandparents. He needed it all. And they all needed each other to provide this for him, whether they were willing to admit it or not.

"Matthew told me he's never been to a ballgame." Jim admitted suddenly, an unspoken question in his eyes. She smiled at it.

"Would you like to take us, Dad?"

"I'd be honored."

* * *

"Here we go, Matthew!" Castle was practically bouncing. He turned and walked backwards, just a few steps, to take it all in. Matthew. Alexis. Mother. Jim. Kate.

He drew a steep breath. His family.

And the adults of the bunch were mostly rolling their eyes and hiding smiles at his theatrics, but he didn't care. He lived for stuff like this.

But in his excitement, he missed the way Matthew's posture changed, missed the subtle signs of what was to come.

He reached the door, throwing open and holding it for the rest to follow.

"I don't want to go in there." Matthew shook his head, brows furrowed together and a slight pout forming on his lips.

Alexis didn't hear his words and placed a hand on Matthew's shoulder, ready to follow him in.

"No. I don't want to." Matthew said firmly.

"Buddy, this place has all kinds of comics, like Batman and –"

"No!" Matthew screamed and it startled the rest of them as they caught up.

"What's wrong?"

"Hey," Castle tried to soothe, kneeling to be on Matthew's level. From behind, Alexis was so unsure of what to do, that she placed another hand on Matthew in a comforting gesture. It was a mistake, she would later realize. Feeling hemmed it with Castle in front of him and Alexis behind him, Matthew lost it.

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO IN! DON'T MAKE ME GO IN!"

Alexis stepped back in alarm at the explosive volume escaping from Matthew. Castle gripped the boy's upper arms, willing him to calm down. "We won't. We won't go inside." Castle tried to assure him, his mind reeling to make sense of the situation, but Matthew was already struggling against Castle's slight restraint and screaming so loud that he couldn't hear anything but his own voice. He'd gone ballistic in a matter of seconds. And now he was attracting an audience from both inside the shop and from the sidewalk as Caste, Matthew, and Alexis were hinged in the middle. Kate stepped up to them, not knowing what had happened, only knowing that this needed to stop.

Castle took in the wide, frantic eyes of his family and Matthew's trembling little form, and made a snap decision. He leaned forward and grabbed Matthew around the waist and hauled him back out into the city traffic, putting as much distance between them and that shop as quick as he could.

Kate quickly followed Castle's lead, not sure if he knew where he was going, and everyone else fell in step behind them. Matthew was still spewing out words too loud and frenzied for them to understand him. And now that he was in Castle's arms, he was flailing like a fish out of water. Kate tried to stay ahead of Castle so she wouldn't have to look into Matthew's pitifully red, angry face, but now she found herself catching the gazes of all the judgmental on-lookers and it set Kate ablaze with anger. _Oh, like _you_ would know what to do,_ she wanted to scream at them. Suddenly, Castle stopped and set Matthew on his feet. The boy gasped in surprise at the swift movement and for the first time in minutes, he was completely silent. Both Castle and Kate crouched down to talk to him.

"We're not going in the store, ok?" Castle's voice was taut with anguish. "There's no need for you to scream like that and you definitely don't get to hit and kick me like you just did."

Castle's reprimand broke the boy. Instead of screaming, a high-pitched cry escaped from Matthew and fat, crocodile tears coursed down his heated face. He reached for Kate, twining his arms around her neck and burying his face in her hair. She held him close and shot Castle a look of bewilderment. What the _hell_ was going on with Matthew?

Kate studied her partner as she stood and hoisted Matthew up with her. Castle looked frustrated, lost, and… guilty?

"Matthew, Honey, it's _ok_." Kate murmured to the sobbing, sputtering wreck of a child in her arms. Was that right? Holding him because he was upset? Or was this a ploy to make up for his tantrum and she should put him down? Kate had no idea and Castle's expression had become unreadable. She glanced around, wondering what had become of the other half of their party, but spotted the other three standing a respectable distance away.

Matthew began to choke out words in between wails, but Castle couldn't make sense of any of it.

"What did he say?" He asked Kate.

Her face became drawn.

"Kate, tell me what he said." Castle begged.

"He said he wants to go home."

Finally, a problem Castle could handle, a problem with a simple solution. "Great, we can grab a taxi right now or take – "

"No," Kate gently placed a hand on his chest to stop him. The gut-wrenching ache she felt was all there in her eyes and it grounded Castle's attention before he could hail a cab. "He said he wants to go _home_. He wants his mother."

That was when Castle understood it, the string of words Matthew was muttering over and over again as his cries dwindled down.

"_Wantmymommywantmymommywantmymommy"_

No, Castle was wrong. This was definitely something he couldn't fix.

* * *

**Thoughts?**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you guys for the reads/follows/favs/reviews! Sorry for the delay on this! **

* * *

Chapter Four

It was tense in the taxi ride back to the loft, Matthew tucked into Kate's side and refusing to look at Castle. Silent and sullen and they had no idea why.

Kate dropped a kiss to the crown of Matthew's head. She was fine with holding him. She'd hold him forever if she thought it would fix everything, but she knew it wasn't that easy. Matthew's gut-wrenching pleas for his mom had forced Rick and Kate out of the denial they'd been living in these past few weeks. They didn't talk about Matthew's birth parents. They didn't talk about the whole five years of history Matthew had before them - and, really, Matthew didn't either - but they couldn't keep avoiding that subject.

Now it was all Kate could think about. Matthew's real mother.

Months ago, when they'd started this journey, she always thought they'd get the child plucked from abusive parents. Or the one who'd been neglected. Stereotypes, maybe, but ones that she'd seen for herself in her years on the force. And she had been ready to show such a child a different life than the ever-shifting ways of being in foster care.

She never ever thought they'd get Matthew. His parents' rights had never been terminated. He'd never been verbally battered or mistreated, just dealt a different kind of cruel hand than the children she imagined. Loving parents ripped away from him in a single, tragic moment. And no one else in his life to take him in.

The only thought reverberating through Kate's mind was that she'd never measure up to Matthew's memories of the woman who'd raised him. She couldn't possibly.

She looked over at Castle, at the Berlin wall that had been erected between him and Matthew on the space of the cab's backseat. Matthew in the middle, but he'd put a lot of effort in being as close to Kate's side as possible.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't Castle's _fault_, but she knew by the look on her husband's face that he was blaming himself for the incident. For making Matthew cry out for his deceased mother.

She stuttered a breath, fingers reaching out for his. They linked on the seat, his thumb drawing gentle circles on her skin, but he wouldn't return her gaze. She couldn't get the words out, the ones he desperately needed to hear right now. He had nothing to be ashamed of and if he would just look at her, he'd know she didn't blame him. But he wouldn't.

In the front seat of the cab, Alexis shifted and glanced back at the miserable three. She'd been just as reticent as the rest of them, unsure of what to do. It was a feeling Kate had become all too intimate with lately. But she smiled encouragingly at Alexis and tried to put the young woman at ease.

What a pitiful bunch they were. Rick, Kate, and Alexis trying to mold their futures around a boy still grieving his past.

She glanced down at Matthew curled up under her arm and suddenly, she was dreading going back to the loft, too. She didn't know where home was for Matthew, but it wasn't with them.

Matthew shifted, leaning his head back to look at her. Dark brown eyes that always butchered her. Oh, the things this kid could do to her heart with just one mournful look. She reached across and tucked his head back against her, cradling him close and forcing his gaze elsewhere.

* * *

If they thought a five-year-old would give them a cue, a lead-in to the conversation that needed to happen, they were foolish. Because waiting for this child to present them with the perfect opportunity to talk was clearly an unrealistic dream.

They'd already wasted the rest of the night on pretending like what transpired at Comicadia never happened. And Castle would have probably kept the holding pattern in place. He didn't know what to say to a boy who was already wise to life's unpredictability.

Castle would give it more time. Wait and see.

But Kate couldn't sit with that. She watched Matthew with hawk eyes, waiting, just like him, for the courage to ask about tonight. About what had made Matthew snap.

They'd never been good this. The early days of their relationship were filled with screaming out words they didn't mean and carving deeper wounds with silence when they refused to mend the misunderstanding. Honest conversation had always been hard to come by. Even when it seemed inconsequential.

Like now.

They'd just told Matthew to brush his teeth and get pj's on when Kate cornered him in the living room.

"What do we say to him?"

"What do you mean 'what do we say to him'?" Hadn't they done enough damage for one evening?

She rolled her eyes, huffed a sharp breath, and he knew he'd said the wrong thing.

See? They'd always sucked at this.

"Castle, he had a meltdown. Don't you want to know what that was about?"

He rubbed at the back of his neck with one hand. Not really. Not if it meant Matthew confirming what Castle already feared to be true. That Matthew didn't want to be here. With them. And with what the little guy had already been through, Castle couldn't even be angry about that. Hurt, yes. Definitely a little battered and bruised by the notion, but not angry with him.

"If Matthew wanted to talk about it, he would have already." Castle argued.

Kate folded her arms across her chest.

He was a coward. He knew. But Kate's level gaze accused him of it just the same.

"He wants his mother, Kate." Not them.

His words hung heavy in the air.

"Of course he does." She said so gently, filled with an understanding Caste knew nothing about and it broke his heart all over again. She shrugged mirthlessly at her next words. "But she's gone and nothing he does can bring her back. That's a hard thing to accept, especially at his age."

He was an idiot. A coward and an idiot and he couldn't at all relate to Matthew's situation like Kate could.

Inadequate. That's what he really was.

Of course Matthew wanted his mom. But where did that leave him and Kate?

He didn't know what to say, but it felt unfair to volunteer Kate. _Here, you do it. You know what it's like to lose a Mommy._ No, that would only add 'jackass' to his growing list.

"I'm all done." Matthew called from the top of the stairs.

Kate locked eyes with Castle and he saw, no matter what he said, they were doing this.

* * *

"Can we read this one?" Matthew already had a book in hand, knowing how their nightly ritual played out by now. He was pressing on apparently, getting over whatever had him so strung up earlier. Or he was suppressing it, living in the same denial that she and Castle had constructed. He was either incredibly healthy or just as messed up as the rest of them, Kate couldn't decide.

"Sure, Buddy, in a moment." She promised. "But, first…"

She sat on his bed and beckoned Matthew to do the same, Castle following their lead.

"Sweetie, you were so upset this evening." She pushed the hair back from his face, stalling. Come on, Kate. Break the mold. "Can you - do you want to tell us what that was about?"

Matthew's face flamed and he stayed mute.

Oh, sweet boy.

Her mind raced, thoughts tumbling over one another in an effort to make this right, to set him at ease, but nothing came of the chaos inside her.

"It's ok if you don't want to talk about it." Castle spoke up. "But if you did, we're here to listen."

"Ok." Matthew said, but added nothing else. Kate glanced at Castle, silently asked if there was more that could be said or if Matthew was done. Shutting them out.

No one told her it could possibly hurt this much, loving a child. He was continually splintering her heart to bits and pieces. And she'd never loved another soul like she loved this wounded boy.

"I know you miss your mom and dad." Kate found herself murmuring to him, trying to work up the courage to tell him she knew just how it felt. She'd battled the same pain as he had.

But he jumped in first. "I'm sorry."

Kate shook her head.

Wait. What?

"Don't apologize, Buddy." Castle murmured.

"Sweetie, why do you feel like you need to say sorry for that?" Kate pressed. Matthew's chin dipped towards his chest, guilt written all over him. "Matthew?"

"Ashley said if I talked about dead people again, she'd hit me. She said it's bad to talk about dead people. Mommy and Daddy are dead."

"Who's Ashley?" Kate asked fiercely, an anger coiling in her gut unmatched by anything she'd felt before.

"My friend from my other home."

His other home… The group home? He'd been living there before coming here. Kate heaved a sigh. She wanted to have a nice, long chat with Ashley. The fact that anyone told Matthew he wasn't allowed to talk about the two people he loved most in this world, that he wasn't allowed to grieve their loss openly…

Kate was about ready to lose it.

Castle reached out, framed Matthew's little face with one hand, and made the boy look him in the eye. "Ashley was wrong." Castle said firmly. "Matthew, you can always talk about your parents. Especially with me and Kate. Understand?"

Matthew nodded.

But his still-guarded expression spoke volumes. Castle's words hadn't reached him, not in a way that mattered. He didn't believe it. The message of another child was so deeply rooted in his mind, making it all that much harder for them to help Matthew. How soon after their death had he been told to keep quiet about it? How long had those words festered under the surface until now?

And suddenly, it seemed hypocritical for her to guard her own loss so fiercely from Matthew. He needed to know, not just be told, that it was alright - good, even - to talk about this.

"Matthew, look at me." She ordered gently, waiting for those chocolate brown eyes to find hers. As if she'd never had any trepidation, the words came freely like she'd said them a thousand times. "My mom died when I was young, too. So I know how you feel, Honey."

He didn't speak, but his eyes never left Kate's, the newly forged connection spinning through his mind. She peppered his forehead with kisses. She couldn't fix his ache, but oh, she could empathize.

"Even if it makes me sad, I still like to share my memories of her." She smiled broadly then, even as her vision swam. "Like when I was your age, my mom took me to the circus for the first time and we got to eat cotton candy and I saw these trapeze artists flipping through the air. It was so fun and I love that memory of just me and my mom. I can still remember looking up at her and seeing the biggest smile on her face. She had such a beautiful smile."

She risked a glance towards her husband and, damn it, he had that look on his face, his gaze adoring her while he listened, like she was amazing and brave and inspiring. Her breath hitched as she averted her gaze back to Matthew.

"It's always good to talk about the ones we've lost." She reiterated, wanting him to believe it so bad. "I don't ever want you to hold back. Understand?"

"Yes." Matthew said. And this time Kate believed he meant it.

She looked again at Castle and seemed to realize he'd taken the backseat in this conversation. He didn't know the kind of loss that bonded Matthew and Kate. But she didn't like him sitting there like an outsider. And although she loved him for not wanting to intrude, it had to be all of them together or it wouldn't work. "Hey, Matthew? You know who gives the very best hugs on rough days like today?" She posed the question then glanced obviously to Rick. He smiled tenderly when he saw what she was doing and held his arms open to Matthew. The boy went easily to him, sinking into Castle's embrace.

Her heart flip-flopped, watching the two of them. Each passing second of Matthew tucked safely in her husband's arms seemed to heal Castle's emotional bruises left from Matthew's earlier thrashings. She knew it had hurt, what happened tonight at Comicadia. She knew Castle loved being a dad and he was wonderful at it, but so tender-hearted, too. He needed this moment with Matthew more than he would admit.

She spotted Matthew's little fingers reaching out for that long-forgotten book on his bed. Oh, yes, they were supposed to be putting him to bed, weren't they? She chewed the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling as Matthew grabbed Castle's hand and forced it to hold the book. Subtle, Matthew. Real subtle.

Castle huffed a laugh. "I _guess_ we can read this." He grumbled sarcastically, a bit of that spark returning to his eyes. He flipped open the book, the deep cadence of his voice immersing both Kate and Matthew in the story.

When it was over, they tucked Matthew in bed. He didn't say another word about Comicadia or his parents or Ashley. But he smiled sweetly when he said goodnight and it felt like progress.

They would sort this out, this pursuit of becoming a family.

They'd have to. Kate wasn't letting this boy go. And from the looks of it, neither was Castle.

* * *

**Thoughts?**

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	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you to everyone following this story! I will be back to updating on a regular basis now that finals & the holidays are over with :)  
**

* * *

Chapter Five

Castle cracked five eggs into a bowl and whipped the gooey contents with a fork before pouring the yellow liquid into the pan. Matthew liked his eggs scrambled. Only scrambled. Even adding cheese was a no-go, Castle had already learned. It had been a month since this five-year-old had come barreling into their lives and turned everything they knew upside down.

He heard the slightest creak from the top of the stairs. Matthew was mousy and had snuck up on them unintentionally more than once, but the top step usually gave him away when he came downstairs in the morning. He watched as Matthew's little feet came into view, creeping slowly.

"Morning, Matthew." Castle called to him, returning his focus to the eggs for a moment because Matthew did not like burnt scrambled eggs. When he looked back up, Matthew was standing at the bottom of the stairs, his expression a mixture of irritation and shame. Castle knew that look. A quick flick of the eyes downward confirmed it when he noted the wet stain on the front of Matthew's pajama shorts.

"It's ok." Castle told him casually, turning the stove off and moving the pan to the backburner. "We'll get a quick bath started and then we can have breakfast."

This had become an almost daily part of their morning routine. He and Kate had quickly stocked up on twin-size bed sheets and disposable bed pads after the first few incidents.

He followed Matthew up the steps and into the upper level bathroom, starting the bath water for him.

"Where's Kate?" Matthew asked as he stripped out of his shirt and shorts.

"She went for a run, but she should be back once we're ready to eat." Castle told him.

He knew what Matthew's next question would be, the question he'd been faithfully asking for the past few days. "When will Alexis be home?"

"In three days. Remember? She said she'd be gone for a week and it's been four days now."

Alexis had gone to the Hamptons with friends, squeezing in a week of summer fun before the next semester started up. She'd kept so busy with her summer internship and with Matthew, so it had seemed like a good idea to Castle for his Alexis to have some fun. What he hadn't seen coming? Matthew's separation anxiety. He would have laughed if it wasn't so painfully true. Matthew and Alexis were closer than he could have dreamed, but… it left a powerful blow when Castle realized Matthew didn't even come close to feeling the same way for him or Kate. It didn't make sense. And it hurt more than he cared to admit.

"Make sure you wash your hair." Castle reminded Matthew as he left to tend to the bed. Brown eyes met blue.

"I will." Matthew promised and then grabbed the toy shark and Spiderman action figure off the bathroom floor to take in the bath with him.

Castle stripped the bed of its sheets and pad and remade it. They bought Matthew a pack of disposable underwear after the third incident, but he pitched a fit at the mention of them, claiming he wasn't going to wear diapers like a baby. It was one of the few times they'd seen Matthew so immovable, but they understood why. He was embarrassed and they didn't want to make it worse. They threw the pack away and went with bed mats.

Castle grabbed the soiled sheets to bring downstairs and peaked into the open bathroom, seeing Matthew was already in the bath playing with Spiderman and the shark. He smashed them together and shoved them under water, making them grapple as he added his own sound effects to the battle. Ok, maybe it wouldn't be a quick bath. Castle smiled and shook his head a little. Bath play time was so different with Matthew than it had been with Alexis. She's had tea parties and reenacted the little mermaid. Matthew usually made his toys wage war on one another.

"Did you wash your hair?"

"Not yet. I will." Matthew quickly promised again. Even still, Castle knew he'd have to remind him one more time before Matthew got out.

"Ok, not too long, Buddy. Breakfast will get cold."

One month.

On a whole, it had been rollercoaster ride - how could it not be? He and Kate had this amazing little boy. He never wanted to go back to a time before Matthew. But a month into this journey, he still didn't know much about Matthew beyond how he liked his eggs and that slapstick comedy was an easy way to cheer him up. Matthew was a conundrum and it took every ounce of Castle's keen observation to try and figure him out. He was still puzzled at the end of the day. At the end of the month, really. No, he didn't regret a second of this, but maybe he was foolish to think they'd know more after a month's time. The role of awkward houseguest had been shed, but they weren't cohesive, the three of them. Not even close.

Castle shuffled downstairs to finish breakfast and instead found Kate, her tanned skin glistening from her run as she dished the eggs onto three plates. He came up behind her and tried snaking his arms around her waist, but she shrugged out of his embrace.

"I'm gross from the run. I need to shower." She shooed him, even as he tried to crowd her once more.

"A shower, huh?" His eyes darkened at the thought. "I'd be happy to help with that."

"I'm sure you would." She barely masked a smirk. He knew she liked the idea, too. He finally snagged her for a moment, pulling her in for a kiss and she gave in since he clearly didn't care.

A slight thud from upstairs startled them, the sound like something clattering to the floor. Castle could clearly picture the shark flying through the air, succumbing to its demise on dry land after a long-fought, harrowing battle with the amazing Spiderman.

"Bath toys." He explained to Kate when he saw her puzzled look.

She rolled her eyes, but there was a smile on her lips, too. "His eggs are getting cold." She went upstairs to tell Matthew to get out and dry off. Castle watched her go.

"Make sure he washed his hair." He called after her.

"You should get ready, too. After breakfast, I mean." She said over her shoulder in an afterthought.

Oh, yes. They had big plans today.

"... and, you know, it might be helpful if you could let _me_ know how to prepare for the day." Kate's voice carried sharply down the steps and he did nothing to stop the devilish smile from lighting his face.

Big plans. That Kate knew nothing about. One last hurrah of summer - for the three of them, at least. Kate's adoption leave was almost up and she'd be back at the precinct. But as much as he and Matthew were looking forward to today, it meant the rest of the days to follow would be Kate-less.

* * *

She was skeptical as he led them on, practically bouncing in his glee. He'd been _insufferable_ with it during the car ride out to Brooklyn and now he'd insisted they hike it the last block. Oh, he was up to something alright. And whether she wanted to admit it out loud or not, she knew they were in for a treat.

She took in the large structure in front of them, Barclays Center - an arena she was very familiar with, but what sort of event he'd signed them up for, she couldn't say. Her mind raced through the possibilities, but it was the tickets in another bystander's hand that gave it away.

"Castle!" She gasped and he spun at the sound, a sudden worry creeping up his spine. But her face split open on a stunning grin and he knew she'd figured it out. And she was pleased. "The circus?"

His heart surged at her joy, even as Matthew heaved a loud sigh. "How did you guess it?" The boy griped.

"You knew?" She turned to Matthew, pulling him to her side without missing a step. They were filtering into a crowd now, moving swiftly into the arena, but the three of them stayed linked together one way or another. Matthew pulled back a little to smile wickedly at her words. Yes, he was in on the surprise from the start.

"Good news," Castle chimed. "Matthew can keep a secret."

She laughed, but she couldn't say she agreed it was good. There was so much of Matthew that she'd love to know if he'd trust her with it. Baby steps, she knew, but she couldn't help feeling like she'd fallen for this boy faster than he could reciprocate it. And he was still grieving such a mighty loss.

But she felt Matthew reach for her hand as the crowd funnelled at the doors. And as they ambled at a snail's pace, he leaned his head against her arm, just above where their hands were joined. Tired and trusting her to hold him up. Maybe he couldn't say it. Hell, she couldn't say it yet. She was too frightened that she'd scare him off. But this tiny, seemingly insignificant moment as they bumped and scuffled into the arena was bigger than it seemed. He was hanging on her arm in an act of familiarity. She wasn't _nothing_ to him. Not at all.

"Matthew!" Castle had nabbed a giant bag of cotton candy and worked his way back to them. Good grief, it was half the boy's size. Looked like Matthew wouldn't be sleeping tonight.

"Whoa!" Matthew's eyes went wide.

"You have to share with us, ok?" Kate added, laughing a little when all Matthew could do was nod. Yeah, that wouldn't be a problem.

"Any other tricks up your sleeve?" Kate asked her scheming husband, snagging him around the waist for a quick moment before they took their seats.

"All out of tricks, I swear." He vowed, smiling gently with that did-I-do-good look on his face. She stopped him at their row, pressing up on her toes to him a kiss.

"Thank you." she murmured.

"Kate, come _on_!" There Matthew went again, tugging at her arm. She was sure one day she'd feel more annoyed than elated when this kid was pulling on her because he was impatient, but not today. Oh, and that struck her with another thought - just how much time they had to look forward to. This was forever with this boy - so long as the adoption got the green light. She let him lead her to their seats and made him take the middle one. More fun that way if both she and Rick could see Matthew's reactions.

"Is this just like when you went with your mom?" Matthew asked suddenly, his head flopping back against his seat as he gazed up at her, nothing but open curiosity painted across his face.

"Not quite." She said honestly, an easy smile gracing her features. "I loved going with my mom, but now I get to create brand new memories with you and Rick. So that's wonderful, too."

He seemed to like that answer, grinning back at her with pearly white baby teeth that would soon be blue from the cotton candy Castle bought.

Castle.

She looked to him over Matthew's head and blinked away the faint sting in her eyes before it turned into tears. He did this for her. He brought her full-circle, sitting here with Matthew as the show dazzled and awed him and reminded Kate of her own child-like wonderment. Castle, the ringmaster of their lives, always putting together a great show. She was more than ready for tomorrow, so prepared to be back at the 12th after a month of feeling idle, but it suddenly struck her she'd be doing it alone for the first time in five years.

Matthew pulled off a chunk of cotton candy and stuffed it in his mouth, spindles of blue sugar sticking to his lips. "Here." He spoke around the lump of his fast-dissolving treat. Kate smiled and pinched off a piece for herself. Matthew's gaze was inexorably drawn back to the juggling act, his mouth slightly agape with surprise.

Kate drank in his little face for a moment and pushed all thoughts of tomorrow out of her head. She wouldn't dwell on it now. Not when there was a show to experience and a beautiful little boy and her husband to share it with. Tomorrow would come soon enough, whether she was ready or not.

* * *

**Thoughts?**

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	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

There was no easing back into work, only jumping in feet first.

She pulled a 14-hour shift today.

By the end of it, Kate was practically crawling back to the loft, her feet throbbing from the constraining heels. Back at work for a few weeks now and already falling into old habits of forgetting to eat and losing track of time. But they'd caught a new case this early evening and had to at least set the gears in motion for the investigation before calling it a night.

Still, Kate had wanted to make it home at a decent hour. Guilt swamped her as she shoved her key in the lock and twisted, pushing open the door as light from the loft spilled over her. Strange. She wasn't expecting it to be so bright, given the hour of night.

"Kate?" A little voice squeaked.

Her head snapped up, eyes doing a quick scan of the open loft.

"What are you still doing up?" She asked the five-year-old that came barreling towards her, pajama-clad but very much awake. His bare feet slapped against the hardwood floor and for a moment, she thought he was going to plow right into her, but he stopped just short and grabbed her hand instead.

"I'm not tired yet." Matthew informed her, pulling her past the bedroom she so desperately wanted to sneak into and pass out in, towards the couch where Castle was only just mustering the energy to push up into a seated position. There was a children's show playing on the TV, but it didn't seem to be capturing Matthew's attention.

"You didn't tell me you were on your way back." Her husband murmured, grinning with relief at the sight of her. Yes, she'd come to rescue him from the perils of one small child.

Kate shrugged. "Thought you might be writing and I didn't want to interrupt."

He looked beyond exhausted, but the joy was practically rolling off of him in waves and she couldn't resist sinking into his arms and getting soaked with it herself. It was heaven coming home to this and a renewed sense of gratitude washed over her for all the changes Castle was tackling now as the stay-at-home parent.

"Hey little rascal," She pulled back from Castle so she could draw Matthew into the circle of her arms. "Do you know what time it is?"

He shook his head, an impish gleam in those warm brown eyes.

"11:30!" She exclaimed, fingers dancing up the sides of his ribs. He squirmed, but wouldn't leave her lap. "You need to get to bed soon, mister."

It was impossible to miss Matthew's face turning pallid or his body stiffening in her arms.

"Hey," Castle found himself murmuring. "You know what I could use right now?" Matthew's gaze swung to Castle's, a spark of hope dangling on his next words. "Some ice cream."

Matthew jumped at the idea and it took every once of control Kate had not to shut it down. Giving Matthew sugar in the middle of the night seemed to counter-act the plan of getting him to sleep any time soon. But Castle and Matthew were already going to the freezer together, thick as thieves over their midnight treat so Kate gave in and went to grab bowls.

"You want fudge brownie or coffee?" Castle regarded the boy seriously, ice cream scooper in hand.

"Both?" Matthew asked mischievously.

Castle hesitated, holding back a smile. "Fine. Half scoop of each. Babe?" His gaze swung to Kate, those blue eyes shimmering with joy, the scooper still poised in his hand as he waited for her order.

"Coffee." She murmured softly, sliding into a stool at the kitchen bar. He started dishing out scoops into the bowls Kate had brought over, pitching the scooper into the sink once he'd finished. He took the seat next to Kate. Matthew came around with his bowl and plunked it between theirs, surprising Kate by clamoring up into her lap without any reserve. It was a welcome surprise and she pressed a kiss into his hair to let him know that much. Over Matthew's head, she met Castle's stare and saw he'd noted Matthew's confident action as well.

"Kate, I want to show you my fort." Matthew announced, talking around the creamy spoonful in his mouth.

"Hey!" Castle spoke up in mock offense.

"_Our_ fort." Matthew corrected, grinning surreptitiously. "After ice cream."

"Buddy, that sounds awesome." Kate murmured. "But it's really late. And you have your first day of school in the morning. I think the fort needs to wait until tomorrow."

She felt him stiffen again.

"I can't sleep." He stalled. "I'm not tired."

Oh, Matthew.

"You need a good night's rest." Kate persisted gently, her hand rubbing slow circles on his back to try and sooth his frantic spirit. "And remember? I have a late start tomorrow so I get to take you to school with Rick."

Matthew shook his head. "I'm not tired yet." He scooped another bite of ice cream and refused to look at either of them. Kate turned to Castle, saw the defeat already there in his eyes. No doubt he'd been exhausting every possible ploy to get Matthew to stay in bed up until she had arrived home. Resolve fizzled in her veins. She'd have to get Matthew to sleep tonight. Castle had done it enough nights in a row this week and should have a break.

"Is Alexis gonna come, too? To take me to school?" Matthew wondered out loud, his hope so thinly veiled that it sunk Kate's heart to break the news.

"No, Alexis has school during the week, too, now. That's why we only see her on the weekends sometimes."

She shifted Matthew's weight to her other leg. He was a slight thing for a five-year-old, but bony. The past few weeks had been a rough transition from what had become 'normal' in their house. Kate's adoption leave had ended and a new semester started up for Alexis, leaving Matthew and Castle to a quieter loft. "Buddy, how about this? After ice cream, I'll read one book with you in bed."

Matthew kept his back to her, his head hunched over his bowl. She ran her fingers through the short, silky strands of his hair as an ache filled her chest. Nothing seemed to ever really settle for Matthew and in the morning, he was being thrust into a whole new and terrifying ordeal: Kindergarten. So much to adjust to for such a little guy.

"Come on, Bud." Kate murmured when she heard him scrape the last soupy spoonful from his bowl. He went rigid when she tried to get him down.

"Can't we play in the fort for a little while? Please?" He begged.

"Matthew," Kate sighed, irritation edging its way into her tone. "It's very late. Everyone is tired –"

"_I'm not tired_!" Matthew whined, clearly on the verge of tears, and he didn't seem to realize he was disproving himself.

Kate ran a hand through her hair, looked to Castle as she always seemed to do these days, silently asking for support.

He sighed. "Alright." He rubbed his face tiredly. "You may not be sleepy yet, but Kate and I are so tired. So can we read books until everyone is ready to go to bed?"

Matthew agreed reticently. He wasn't an idiot and Kate was pretty sure Castle had just signed them up for no sleep tonight. But Matthew trudged up to his room willingly.

"Our room." Kate suddenly amended.

"Huh?" Castle groaned. Matthew spun slowly on the steps, not really listening. They were all such a pitiful sight, walking zombies in desperate need of rest.

"If we're all reading books tonight, there's not enough room on Matthew's bed. We should go to our room. Go grab some books, Rascal, and bring them down here."

When Kate ducked out of her bathroom minutes later, she paused at the sight of the bed. Somehow she'd missed it earlier, but both sides of it were rumpled.

"Did Matthew sleep in here?" She asked as soon as Castle shuffled into the room.

"Oh. Uh, we tried at about 9 o'clock. I told him he could sleep on your side until you got back."

She smiled as she eased under the covers, closing her eyes even though she knew she'd have to read soon. Just needed one moment of rest first. "It didn't work?"

"No." Castle sighed. "But at that point I was desperate and it almost worked."

"Does that mean we're past the point of desperation now?" She asked, relishing the feel of Castle's arms slipping around her. For some reason, she liked the image of Matthew curled up on her pillow, her men keeping each other company in her absence. She found herself thinking about it far too often, wondering how they filled their days without her, but she liked this bit of news that Matthew stole her spot – or at least tried to.

Castle curled around her, his lips dipping into the crook of her neck. "Missed you." He breathed. Oh, she had missed him, too. She inwardly grumbled that Matthew wasn't already asleep, that she didn't have the luxury right now of time with Castle.

Matthew stumbled into the room, an armful of books clutched to his chest.

"You got enough?" She teased, giving herself a rousing mental pep talk. She could rally and read a few books. She could do it.

"I think so." Matthew said seriously, dropping them at the foot of the bed and crawling up over them. He squeezed into the middle, Castle and Kate scooting apart only as much as was necessary. It was a cozy fit, the three of them, and it did strange things to Kate's heart.

"This one first." Matthew decided, holding up _The Story of Ferdinand_.

Kate grabbed it and flipped open to the first page, felt Matthew tuck himself closer so he could see the pictures better, and began to read aloud.

* * *

She was drifting weightlessly in the abyss of sleep until a loud, repetitive chirp dropped her - rudely - back into reality.

Her alarm clock.

Grunting her displeasure, she rolled forward as her arm blindly swiped at the nightstand. Fingertips made contact with the smooth case of her phone so her thumb eased along the side of it, muscle memory kicking into gear to hit snooze before she was even fully awake.

But it felt like a furnace was at her back, heat soaking through the sheets and engulfing her.

She shifted slowly to her back, making use of every small inch of space she was allotted with this hard, heavy body next to her, rolling in place until she was finally on her other side, face-to-face with Matthew.

They forgot to put him back in his own bed last night, once he'd finally lost his grip on wakefulness and slipped gently into sleep. It hadn't been much of a fight after all.

Her fingers reached out to comb through the short silk of his brunette hair. His breath stuttered and huffed at the soothing touch and he burrowed his face deeper into his pillow, hiding away from the soft light of morning filtering in through the windows. Actually, it was Kate's pillow. They had shared it during the night, apparently.

"Ma-atthew." She sung quietly, brushing his hair back again. "Time to wake up, sleepy bug."

A sharp whine punctured the air and she had to hold back her responding laughter. Poor, sleepy boy.

"Big day, Matthew. Gotta be awake for it." she tried again, her voice still holding that melodious sound as she lured him from sleep.

"Mommy?"

Her hand stilled mid-stroke through his hair as the breath spiraled out of her so fast. Did he just say - ?

His head rocked back and forth, eyelids fluttering as waking up became an inevitability for him. Bleary-eyed and unfocused, He finally stared up at her.

She tried to inhale, breath catching in her throat and blocking the words she wanted to get out.

"...Kate?" He croaked.

The sound of her own name gutted her. So he hadn't been…

"I had a-" His mouthed stretched wide on a heavy yawn. "a dream."

She wanted to ask what kind of dream, but her heart was still racing from his earlier words and she couldn't manage to quell it so she reached for him instead, drawing the boy in for a morning hug. He snuggled into her chest and fell silent, his head still foggy with sleep.

There were times such as this that she forgot - just for a fleeting moment - that she wasn't the first person to love Matthew as much as she did, that someone else had carried him, raised him, and cherished him for as long as they were able.

"We gotta get up soon." She said breathlessly. "What do you want to eat?"

Still tucked up against her, Matthew sighed, his breath fanning across her sternum. "Cereal." He finally said.

"Okay." She agreed, still gathering her wits. Across the valley of blankets, Castle finally stirred and let out a groan. She watched his buried form shift and morph under the blankets until his arm finally shot out, dispelling one of Matthew's books to the floor without care.

"We missed one." He grit out, his face still half-obscured from her view.

She managed to breathe out an almost laugh. "Sorry, Babe."

"Kate?" Matthew spoke up. "Are we gonna get cereal?"

"Yes." she roused. "Of course."

And with that, Matthew withdrew himself from her, sitting up and stretching.

Time to get up for the big day ahead of them.

Never mind that her heart was still pounding out a faster rhythm against her ribs or that her thoughts were preoccupied with five minutes ago, playing it over again in her mind on a loop.

"Kate!" Matthew was at the doorway already, waiting for her to follow.

"Coming." She said, leaving the cozy side of her bed where a mere ten minutes ago, she'd been content and at peace with everything in her world.

* * *

**Thoughts?**

**Tumblr: skepticus-maximus-me**


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